November

For the past 13 years, November has been a very difficult month for me. On Nov. 2nd 1995, my sister passed away very suddenly and 2 weeks later on November 16th would have been her 33rd birthday the year she died. It is hard to imagine that my baby sister would be turning 46 this year coz I can't picture her getting older. She had a very young spirit and I will always remember her as being, well, not 46.
As Halloween passed this year, I started thinking about Marla, but this year it felt different to me. I didn't feel dread in the fact that the day was coming, or feel depressed like I had for the past 12 years. I don't know if it was because the 2nd fell on a weekend and I was busy with family, or if time has finally made it easier. I guess I won't know the answer to that til next year when the 2nd falls on a Monday.
I have always felt so much guilt in regards to her not fulfilling any of her dreams, and why, when both of us were juvenile diabetics, my health had always been so much better then hers. She never had the opportunities that most of us take forgranted, like falling in love, being independent, and most of all, feeling good enough physically to carry on normal day to day life.
She was my best friend in the world and I could tell her anything, knowing full well she wouldn't tell a soul. She was never jealous of my happiness and blessings, and loved the fact that I was able to have kids and lead a normal life. The last time I spoke to her, I had just gotten my amnio results and found out I was having a girl. She was so excited and told me what a great thing it was to have a boy and a girl, and that she couldn't wait. And in case you haven't figured it out, Mallory was named after my sister, and the weird thing is, they have exactly the same skin tones and hair color. I do believe that a little of us live on in the ones we love.
Getting back to 2008, it felt weird to not feel depressed and sad on Sunday the 2nd, but I guess time does make things easier. I can't say it will be easy every year, but am grateful for this year. At first I felt guilty for not being so sad, but a little voice told me that was ridiculous. Marla would have been so mad at me if she knew I was feeling sad or guilty. I have a feeling she was smiling down on me and finally saying "it's about time you cheered up".